Hello world!

2 Sep

And it begins. The only way to start blogging about such a personal topic – is to just start.

I will be 39 years old in 2 weeks. I am single (that’s another story). My ovaries are aging at an accelerated rate – I have very high FSH, diminished ovarian reserve.

I’ve always wanted children. There has never been a time in my life when I doubted that. I’ve doubted ‘when’ and ‘with who’ but I have never questioned whether I wanted to or not.

My last relationship was with a wonderful man who sealed the deal for me. I loved him with every cell of my body and wanted to have children with him immediately. He felt the same. And so contraception never entered our amorous world. We talked endlessly about our family to be. Our proposed children had names and characteristics. It was so exciting. So it seemed the stars and planets were aligned – “seemed”. I had 2 early miscarriages – and that was the closest I got to falling pregnant. Our relationship broke down for a variety of reasons – one being my obsession with pregnancy.

Tests later revealed a mixed bag of issues including hormone imbalances, fybroids, polyps and most importantly (to the issue of having children anyway) my eggs were running out and reducing in quality.

I have been in a state of self-scrutiny for the past year that I have known that it is now or never. I haven’t been in a space to have another relationship and I don’t think it would be fair to start a relationship with this hanging over our heads. And I don’t want my desire to have a child artificially force a relationship that I may otherwise not be enthusiastic about. So the verdict is – I have to face this alone.

I have spent so much time going over questions in my head: Should I willingly bring a child into a single parent arrangement? Am I being selfish? Have I set myself up to do this alone and if I have, do I deserve a child? The list goes on and on and take my word for it, it is far too long to lay out here. The short of it is – I didn’t answer all those questions but I really want to be a mother . And so I have to try. And so I will.

I will be undergoing IVF with donor sperm in Canberra. The NSW government in all their wisdom have passed ridiculous laws which strangle the sperm donation supply to the state, so Canberra it is. I have visited the fertility clinic in Canberra and I feel comfortable to proceed with them. I am awaiting a response from the clinic for my treatment plan and then I have to choose sperm.

I sincerely hope that blogging about my journey will help someone other than myself. I hope some great open discussions come from this. I hope to gain insight from those who have done something like this before. I love the Chinese Proverb ” To know the road ahead, ask those coming back”. I know everyone’s journey is different but it doesn’t hurt to share and learn from others.

Oh – and I hope to have fun with this 🙂

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Hello world!”

  1. Mr WordPress September 2, 2010 at 8:05 am #

    Hi, this is a comment.
    To delete a comment, just log in, and view the posts’ comments, there you will have the option to edit or delete them.

    • Deborah September 6, 2010 at 4:14 am #

      I think you are totally amazing…what a courageous, inspiring woman and friend you are. Look forward to reading more! x x x

  2. nursemyra September 5, 2010 at 6:57 am #

    Good luck sweetie, I know you’d make a wonderful mother.

    • motherinwaiting September 7, 2010 at 12:48 pm #

      Thank you. And thank you – I take blogging inspiration directly from you my darling.

  3. Amanda September 8, 2010 at 1:49 am #

    I cannot believe there are no comments – what a momentus journey you’re about to embark upon with so many unknowns.

    I have so many friends that are thinking about doing this but they always have an excuse – what will I do financially? Now isn’t the right time? I don’t have the money? Where will I live? And the list goes on and on.

    Can you shed some light on these questions. Are they simply putting off the decision from fear? They are extremely defensive when I try to bring it up. I know it’s a personal journey, but it’s a real option and that’s how I look at it.

    Thanks

    • motherinwaiting September 8, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

      I have known for the past year that if I didn’t act soon and make the decision to conceive through IVF I would lose my chance of having biological children all together. I was told in no uncertain terms that each month I waited reduced my chances more. So why didn’t I act immediately?
      Firstly, I was concerned that my need to be a mother and bring a child deliberately into a single parent arrangement was selfish and I needed to work through that – which I have 🙂
      Though, I think you have hit the nail on the head in your comment. The most paralysing obstacle was fear. Fear of doing it alone, fear of remaining alone, fear of financial pressure, fear of not being able to cope etc etc. It is really really scary! For me, spending the time to sit with and deal with each fear individually helped me see that all the stuff that I was afraid of was still there with or without moving forward on this path.
      I promise to dedicate a post on ‘fear’ because it is an interesting emotion and definitely shouldn’t stand in the way of what is important to you.
      Thanks for your comment.

  4. Sarah September 10, 2010 at 5:10 am #

    Very inspirational and I can’t wait to read more, your going to make an amazing Mum xx

  5. Anne September 16, 2010 at 4:24 am #

    I think you are doing a very wonderful thing – you sound like you have thought this through – inside out and upside down and back to front! When we are younger and we dream of having children, we never know where our paths or our ‘destiny’ will take us – and to have the courage to do this alone – and still have your eyes so completely open to all aspects – is very inspiring! I look forward with much interest to following you on your amazing journey. Sending all the most positive vibes I can muster!

    Anne 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: