Tallish, darkish with a really really nice personality

12 Sep

One word sums up my initial stage of choosing a sperm donor – overwhelming.

There are loads of sperm banks (cryobanks) worldwide which I can access, as long as they comply with all the appropriate medical testing. I am however, restricting my search to 2 in the United States and 2 in Europe, which have been referred by my fertility clinic. I wish they had only referred me to 1.

It feels like I have gone from a situation of not having enough choice to having too much. Be careful what you wish for, they say. I actually feel paralysed by choice at the moment and need to take a step back to re-focus.

It turns out that the major issue here is that I’m not that fussy. Which of course is not true at all – because I am muchos fussy but mainly around personality. Of course you can’t search the site by personality traits though! Ethnicity is not particularly important to me which means too many possible candidates come up. Around 200 – 300 per site.

Therefore I need to make the choice based on physical characteristics which, in a natural situation, I would be attracted to. And here in itself is the problem and source of my frustration. I don’t really have a type, in the physical sense. My type is someone who is kind, interested in other people, sensitive and likes animals and nature. I could be ready to bed the best looking and most successful man in the universe and if he hated pets and couldn’t see the beauty in nature, I just wouldn’t feel attracted to him (unless of course I was very drunk but that doesn’t count in this situation because I am not planning on getting drunk in order to like my sperm donor). 

Soooo – tall, dark and handsome will draw my attention before a blonde hair blue eye beau. This is my attempt to make this as close to a natural attraction as I can. So I will start with the tallish and darkish, cut the range in half and find the kind, humanitarian, nature lovers amongst them.

Fortunately, the cryobanks I’m looking at offer a “donor questionnaire” which gives you some insight into the donor’s personality and a paragraph or 2 on the “staff impressions” of the donor. I’ve pretty much given up on the “staff Impressions” though because all of them make the donor seem like the catch of the century. After the first 5 I woke up and stopped falling in with every sperm donor I read about. They all commonly read something like “Donor #x has boyish good looks and a great physique. He enjoys looking after himself and sets the room alight with his bright smile. He is very engaging, confident, intelligent and focused on his goals for the future.” Well, of course most of the donors are in college so this kind of description is to be expected. Anyway, what are they going to say? “Donor #x isn’t that attractive and is a bit thick but he seems really nice.”

The “donor questionnaire” is a bit more revealing so I think I will focus on these. 

I repeat – having a child this way was not my first choice. I’m actually a hopeless a romantic at heart and truly thought I would be saved the situation of having to decide the physical attributes of the father of my child. I would much rather be in love and have as my only wish that my child be born healthy. Bubble explosion!

I have put a lot thought into what I will tell my child about all this one day. I know the question will come – why did I choose donor x over all the others? And in that answer I don’t want to place any expectation on my child. I.E. I chose a PHD donor and therefore I want my child to be smart. I want my child to simply be my child and be who he/she chooses to be.

And so I think of my answer to that question and work back from there.

“Mom, why did you choose donor x over all other donors?”

“Because, darling, I thought our values were similar, he sounded really kind and I think had we met we would have really liked each other.”


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