On Dating and Disclosure

20 Dec

One of the big reasons why I procrastinated so long in actually trying for single motherhood with donor sperm was that I didn’t want to give up on doing it with someone special. I love ‘love’! I am a romantic and I know I want to share my life with a partner.

I was absolutely spoilt in my previous relationship, in terms of love. When things were good between us, we were so in love. The eye gazing, the devotion, the love making. I loved it, I miss it and I want it again. I understand that taking this path doesn’t mean that I have to give up on this vision but lets face it – skid marks are inevitable. Or are they?

So, I actually met someone that I think I could like like. I haven’t met anyone I could even bare to kiss since my ex.

Sooooo, we met for coffee and 2 hours later I realised that this guy is really nice and attractive and funny. And I could bare to kiss him, maybe. Of all the questions to ask me he says, “What exciting project do you have planned for 2011”. As the blood drained from my head, my internal dialogue went something like this, ‘Oh my God, oh my God, he knows. Of course he doesn’t know you idiot, he is just being interested in you. Okay, we are getting along so well, just tell him. NO! Don’t tell him, this may not go anywhere anyway. Okay say something now…’ To which I responded, “A few work projects I’ve been working on are coming to fruition”. WOW, that’s exciting! Doh!

He called me later that afternoon to say he really enjoyed catching up and he wants to do it again. I must have made up for that ridiculous response at other points of the conversation. So, when do I tell him?

I don’t want to string him along and then throw that bucket of iced water at him. I also don’t want to feel pressured to talk about this very personal journey to someone I don’t really know yet. Maybe if we get to the point of wanting to have sex, or even having sex (protected of course, I could never trick someone like that) and if we still like each other after that – then I’ll tell him. I don’t know!

I realise that I am probably over thinking this. I will tell him when it feels right. Shit – I may never hear from him again. *sigh*

I remind myself that a huge deciding factor in going ahead with this Plan B was that I knew that I couldn’t have a real relationship with someone whilst I was gagging to have a child. It would have put too much pressure on a new relationship. Hell, it put too much pressure on my previous committed relationship when we both wanted it. I also want to make sure that I am entering a new relationship for all the right reasons.  I want to love someone for them alone, not what they can give me.

So life goes on. I may find love through this process and I may not. I may find love after it. But I will BE love as much as I can always 🙂 Corny, I know. I couldn’t help myself.

Comments and suggestion please…

3 Responses to “On Dating and Disclosure”

  1. eggdonormom December 26, 2010 at 1:26 am #

    I’ve just found your blog. I am also 39 and considering becoming a single mother by choice via IVF (but with egg donation).

    I look forward to following your journey! It will be a year or more before I am able to move forward with a cycle.

    • motherinwaiting January 3, 2011 at 1:27 am #

      Hi eggdonormom. I have just finished reading a book ‘knock yourself up’ by Louise Sloan. In here one woman is informed that by using a donor egg it would increase her success rate from 20% to 70%. How exciting for you! Keep in touch 🙂

  2. Rachel April 19, 2013 at 7:20 am #

    hi, I too just came upon your blog and found it very helpful. I will be using ART through donor insemination through ICI and my advice on keeping in check is that “I want a child first, a man second” i don’t want to confuse those together and change my mind. good luck xo

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