Tag Archives: miscarriage

How to Get Up Again

3 Feb

Resilience.jpg

I’ve been contemplating resilience.

resilience_def

A word often used to describe me. As if this is a special personality trait that I have which is admired by others. I’ve heard this word a lot over the past few days.

The truth is: that whilst I rise rather quickly from a fall, it is actually the shell of me going about business while my soul is slowly putting the pieces together. Does this make me a damn good actor or does the body have to get up before the heart and soul is ready to repair and come to the party? Well whatever the answer, it works for me. I don’t know if it is resilience or actually just survival though.

This is what I do to get back up again and prepare for the challenge in front of me:

1. Clean up. I feel more motivated and worthy in a clean space. I find if I let my house turn to shit, it creates an inner dialogue of how crap I am and how crap the situation is. Crap creates crap, if you know what I mean. When I get rid of the external crap I find it easier to control the inner crap.

2. Write a list. It’s comforting for me to have things to do. Mapping it out gives me purpose to get up. And crossing things off the list creates a sense of achievement. Positive!

3. Make an effort with my appearance. I can be a total feral at times and not brush my hair for days and wear my pajamas like a uniform. This is a favourite past time of mine however, when feeling low this past time turns from free spirit to down and out. When times are tough, if I can look in the mirror and not cringe, that’s a very good thing. I actually got four cold sores on my forehead, so you can imagine how beautiful my hair was to counteract this hideousness!

4. Walk. Walking is a great way to practice mindfulness when meditation seems to hard. I’m lucky that I live in an area with lots of bush walks but any walk is good for the soul.

5. Eat some healthy food. Once I’ve inhaled the toxic Doritos, ice cream and toasted cheese mountains – Forcing myself to make something healthy sends a message to myself that I am worth the effort and that my body deserves better.

6. Accept invitations (conditional). I would prefer to talk to no-one when I have taken a fall but after a few days it is important to get back to friends, even when I dont feel like it. Willingly creating isolation is a fast track from bad to worse. This is however conditional in the early stages. I hate pep talks, especially from friends/family who have children and think they understand what I’m going through. If you have children then you do not understand. Sorry, that may seem harsh but the real pain for me is the prospect of not having a child. I dont begruge my beautiful friends/family who have children, they just can’t possibly understand how I feel, that’s all. Friends mean well but I’m in survival mode at the moment and can’t deal with the pep talk. Just send me your love and if I want your advice, I will ask you.

 

Grieving Pregnancy Loss

18 Apr

Choosing to walk the path toward single motherhood can be a liberating experience. It is not a decision taken lightly by most women. A lot of thought and angst goes into taking this step. And it is a very courageous step to take by yourself.

Sadly though, one’s aloneness is bitterly highlighted when you face the kind of loss that a miscarriage brings. Suffering (and that is a perfect word to describe it) from a miscarriage can be very traumatic and sad for anyone, irrespective of their circumstances.

While a woman’s body can heal and recover relatively quickly from a miscarriage, the emotional injury can take much longer to heal. I believe that it is important to grieve after a pregnancy loss, regardless of whether it happened early in pregnancy or later on. Facing the loss and grief can help pull you through it all and even see you emerge a stronger person.

When doing some research around this sad topic I was surprised to find that it is a common problem that women do not want to talk about their feelings surrounding pregnancy loss. I started think about why this may be the case. I am fortunate that life has taught me to face emotional issues head on so this is difficult for me to understand. Why are some women not comfortable to talk about their miscarriage? I’m sure there are many reasons including the notion that there is something wrong with them as creating life is meant to be easy (a hideous misconception).

Well, another possible reason occurred to me one day when a well meaning friend kindly reminded me that miscarriage is common, particularly as you get older. Oh really? Like this was news to me! I was told by this friend in fact, that miscarriage was even par of the course. Okay, this may be the case and although this didn’t really upset me, it got me thinking. This wasn’t the first time I had heard that. The lovely lady at the ultrasound clinic told me this, the doctors of course told me this and the various leaflets were sure to get this message across. I even noticed myself reciting this mantra too. Yes, yes, miscarriage is common – but it doesn’t make the actual loss any easier.

Could being told how common miscarriage is at every corner induce some kind of guilt about feeling sad and spending time to grieve? Maybe, maybe not but regardless I really don’t think this friendly reminder, although well intentioned, is very helpful.

Bonding with a pregnancy can begin very early, especially for women going through fertility treatment. It may be the day you jump the hurdle of actually having an embryo to transfer or even the day you do your IUI or when the sperm is put into the Petri dish. It is different for everyone but the bond does start very early. And then once a pregnancy is confirmed, you begin to identify with your potential baby. When a woman goes through fertility treatment there is so much anticipation and when success is achieved the elation is high. When faced with the loss it is a very sharp corner to turn.

In my case, being 39 years old I am well aware of the facts surrounding miscarriage possibility. I don’t need to be reminded of this. Possibly, all this reminder really does is threaten to disqualify natural emotions of grief because I should have expected and been prepared for it. Hmmmm? Maybe I’m being too harsh? Comment and tell me what you think people. Isn’t this what blogs are for – to express thoughts and create conversation. Talk to me – I know you are there.

Anyhow I think you get my message here. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how high the risks are or how common miscarriages are, it is still painful. Loss of pregnancy is worthy of taking time out to grieve.