31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 15 (An Average Day)

9 Feb

31 Day Blog Challenge

An Average Day

There is no average day for me. My week always has a mix of working from different offices or remotely so I don’t have a standard commute.

I also don’t have a routine in the morning, though I think I need one. Generally I wake up and walk downs stairs where I am greeted by a very excited chocolate labrador. I open the front door and tell him to go to the toilet. I usually have to stand on the front verandah while this happens otherwise, he stops mid-stream to race inside for his breakfast. I feed the excitable beast and that’s where the routine ends.

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One very happy dog

I may spend a day in back-to-back meetings, writing reports, locked into my laptop editing a film, or multitasking housework whilst talking on the phone to staff.

The furry and feathered children always get fed and the dog gets a walk (location changes pretty everyday) or at the very least a big play session.

It seems that lately I always end the day with the television on. I would like to change this. And I tidy the kitchen. I love waking in the morning to a clean and tidy kitchen – perhaps this is my way of ensuring that I start the day anew.

It’s funny, I thought I was more habitual than I am. Interesting.

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31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 14 (Winning the Lottery)

3 Feb

31 Day Blog Challenge

If I Won The Lottery

I would use the money to overcome the tough and ridiculous Australian adoption laws. I would move to a country where there are children who need a caring family and live there with the child/ren until I was able to bring them back to Australia. This is a legal loop hole – If you live with a child you have adopted, in their country, for over 12 months after the adoption takes place then you can apply for a visa for that child to enter Australia.

Yep, that’s what I’d do.

How to Get Up Again

3 Feb

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I’ve been contemplating resilience.

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A word often used to describe me. As if this is a special personality trait that I have which is admired by others. I’ve heard this word a lot over the past few days.

The truth is: that whilst I rise rather quickly from a fall, it is actually the shell of me going about business while my soul is slowly putting the pieces together. Does this make me a damn good actor or does the body have to get up before the heart and soul is ready to repair and come to the party? Well whatever the answer, it works for me. I don’t know if it is resilience or actually just survival though.

This is what I do to get back up again and prepare for the challenge in front of me:

1. Clean up. I feel more motivated and worthy in a clean space. I find if I let my house turn to shit, it creates an inner dialogue of how crap I am and how crap the situation is. Crap creates crap, if you know what I mean. When I get rid of the external crap I find it easier to control the inner crap.

2. Write a list. It’s comforting for me to have things to do. Mapping it out gives me purpose to get up. And crossing things off the list creates a sense of achievement. Positive!

3. Make an effort with my appearance. I can be a total feral at times and not brush my hair for days and wear my pajamas like a uniform. This is a favourite past time of mine however, when feeling low this past time turns from free spirit to down and out. When times are tough, if I can look in the mirror and not cringe, that’s a very good thing. I actually got four cold sores on my forehead, so you can imagine how beautiful my hair was to counteract this hideousness!

4. Walk. Walking is a great way to practice mindfulness when meditation seems to hard. I’m lucky that I live in an area with lots of bush walks but any walk is good for the soul.

5. Eat some healthy food. Once I’ve inhaled the toxic Doritos, ice cream and toasted cheese mountains – Forcing myself to make something healthy sends a message to myself that I am worth the effort and that my body deserves better.

6. Accept invitations (conditional). I would prefer to talk to no-one when I have taken a fall but after a few days it is important to get back to friends, even when I dont feel like it. Willingly creating isolation is a fast track from bad to worse. This is however conditional in the early stages. I hate pep talks, especially from friends/family who have children and think they understand what I’m going through. If you have children then you do not understand. Sorry, that may seem harsh but the real pain for me is the prospect of not having a child. I dont begruge my beautiful friends/family who have children, they just can’t possibly understand how I feel, that’s all. Friends mean well but I’m in survival mode at the moment and can’t deal with the pep talk. Just send me your love and if I want your advice, I will ask you.

 

Failed Cycle

30 Jan

I’ve been lying low feeling pretty crappy.

So the first test found HcG the pregnancy hormone so I had conceived – YAY! But my progesterone was very low – Not YAY! Progesterone is critical for maintaining a pregnancy.

I was away camping, fortunately still in phone range, so a 2 hour trek was made to another town to get hold of some. It has to be done. For what it was worth though it didn’t help. The next test showed that my HcG was dropping and clearly the pregnancy would not sustain.

I am very sad right now! My husband is ghastly at supporting me through tough times so he has taken off to his friends and I haven’t heard from him for the last couple of days. Not sure how to get past that!

I am normally very careful about what I post on this blog and try to keep the crappy personal stuff out of it. But if I’m to be honest…

I know I am strong and I will get through this but for now, I allow myself to feel and ease up on the internal pep talks.

And in saying that, I really don’t want pep talks from anyone else either. I know that people mean well, but unless you have or are struggling with infertility yourself, you can’t possibly imagine how I feel. I am 44 and I’m running out time and money.

Adoption laws in Australia make it extremely difficult to adopt especially considering my age. In fact most agencies who handle inter-country here have told me my chances are very slim and the wait is around 7 years. I’m considering permanent placement foster care but without the support from my husband I’m not sure this is viable option.

I give myself permission to decide nothing for a while.

31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 13 (Earliest Memory)

18 Jan

31 Day Blog Challenge

My Earliest Memory

The pool at my nanna’s and granddad’s (Dan’s) apartments – Villa Royale! They lived in separate units. Nanna lived on the ground floor just in front of the pool area. And Dan lived on the first level. I think he liked to look over the verandah at what was going on and keep an eye on his beloved wife ,who he loved, but couldn’t stand to live with. She felt the same way about him.

I was swimming and a very early age and all I could think of was getting into that pool. I LOVED it! The tinkling sound of the metal latch at the gate would have me standing alert, ready to convince whoever was in there that “it would be fine if they watched me, my mum doesn’t mind even a little bit“.

I grew up in Perth where the sun shines pretty much all the time. I remember being chocolate brown all year round, with wet glistening skin smelling of chlorine. Chlorine was such a beautiful smell to me!

I can still hear the squealing of us kids running around the pool. This was back when running in the pool area and not wearing a hat nor sunscreen was an acceptable social norm.

We’d eat onion and tomato sandwiches on white bread with the crusts cut off. Sometimes we were treated to polony and tomato sauce sandwiches (I feel sick at that thought).

Ah the pool at Villa Royale!

I also remember driving everyone mad with my whining to go back in the water. I would lace my body around the metal bones of the fly screen and hang there suspended looking out at the silvery surface, moaning on repeat, “I want to go in the pooooool, pleeeeeeease”.

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Miss Posey Pants ready for the pool

31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 12 (My Fridge)

18 Jan

31 Day Blog Challenge

What’s in my Fridge

Sooooooooo many vegetables! Sadly, not all of which I have grown myself. I am so fortunate to live close to local farmers, so I have access to fresh seasonal vegetables. YUM! I am a HUGE veggie fan. Which is fairly fortunate because I am a vegetarian.

I get my iron tested regularly and it is always in tip-top shape which, I credit to all the green veggies I love.

I much prefer vegetables to fruit. However, I’ve never met a banana, mango or blueberry that I don’t like.

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This is not my fridge. But I like it – A LOT!

In addition to the sooooooo many vegetables, I have a bucket load of kimchi. I am determined to develop my own signature recipe of this delicious spicy mix so I am making it rather often. The husband is getting sick of it – though I can’t imagine why! I’ll post my recipe when I feel it is at an appropriate level to share 🙂

Also in my fridge:

  • Yoghurt – a few varieties as I love this stuff too
  • Coconut water
  • Milk – cow and almond
  • Dates – ready to make a batch of bliss balls
  • Cheese – do I need to explain?
  • Glorious eggs from the glorious chickens
  • Condiments – I need to go through these at look at used by dates
  • Vegemite – of course! No crappy Marmite in this house
  • Gin
  • Tonic
  • Lemon
  • Fresh herbs from the garden
  • Falafel – these are due for the chickens as I made them a few days ago
  • Grapefruit marmalade – home made from the fruits of our giant grapefruit tree
  • Butter – the real stuff
  • Olives
  • Packet dips that need to be thrown out
  • Fertility drugs

 

31 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11 (15 Fave Things)

16 Jan

31 Day Blog Challenge

15 of my Fave Things

  1. My chocolate labrador, Dexter. He is naughty but so adorable, affectionate and fun. I’ve had some hard time over the last couple of years and he has definitely helped my maintain joy in my life.
  2. I adore my cat, Diamond Lily, too. She has a few screws loose and attacks me from time to time and cause some damage – but I still love her.
  3. Gardening is my best mindfulness practice. When I’m elbow deep in soil I really think of anything else and feel more grounded. I so enjoy growing flowers and vegetables – delightful products from an already delightful journey.
  4. I love candles scented with essential oils. Rarely do I smell a beautiful candle and not buy it.
  5. My iPhone is very important! Not so much for the actual phone function; more for the music, camera, video, notes, internet, Siri, and many extremely useful apps.
  6. I really enjoy taking photos of nature. I can waste hours with my “grown up” camera shooting plants, rocks, leaves etc. I should do more of this.
  7. I love boots! If I could wear boots all year round, I would. Well, I just about do anyway.
  8. I’m a sucker for a maxi skirt or maxi dress. The more boho the better. I mostly wear maxi skirts with t-shirts.
  9. Glorious music! I have such broad taste (anything but death metal which makes me feel really tense)
  10. Sitting in my hammock chair on a warm day reading a good book!
  11. Warm weather any day please! I love it!
  12. Dark chocolate! Especially dark chocolate rocky road!
  13. L’Occitaine – I mostly use this natural skin care product because it is divine. I should look into buying a franchise.
  14. Find a great TV series to binge watch. I can knock off a whole season in two days!
  15. Tea. Milky english breakfast or earl grey. 🙂